Those who’ve followed me for any length of time know that I’m a peculiar thinker…for me, it’s important to try to find commonalities between systems or ideas and see if I can find ‘rules for the work’ that apply equally through systems. Today I’d like to share some thoughts on how in both bodywork, and the politics of the world today, we could apply a few rules that would help us create a healthier personal world and a healthier overall planet. I know it’s a stretch, but if you have a minute, take a read.
My bodywork is based on the connective tissue network, which personally I feel is the communication system through the body. When it is clear, hydrated, and supple, life in that body is better. I think the same is true in the interpersonal world. When communication and relationship is clear, lubricated and supple, we can achieve much more in this world, in my thinking. I practiced deep tissue bodywork, fascial release work, for 37 years and recently let go…when I worked and when I taught bodywork skills to engaged students, I presented some simple rules. They are as follows, simplified:
Coax, don’t force. Remember to allow the other person to control their reactions.
If a little is good, a lot may or may not be better. Don’t ask anyone to change everything, all at once.
Whenever possible, engage your partner with breath and movement. While this applies more specifically to bodywork, I believe it’s important in any relationship.
Talk to the partner! And be sure to remember that talking to another is much more successful if one also listens to and validates the right to disagree with each other.
Give that partner one or two things to take out of your time together, to ponder, to perhaps make subtle changes in their thinking and habits.
Let go, without judging who they are and how right or wrong they may be.
Now, lately I’ve been realizing that I’m very worried about the state of not only the US, but nearly every place in the world seems to be having political problem., In my thinking, these problems are often brought on by people at the ‘top’ who continue to strive to accrue all the power—their way or the highway. Whether it’s politics, pandemics, climate change, religion, or nearly any system or trauma we’ve absorbed, there are those who continue to strive to control…and striving to control is what seems to have created the worldwide mess we’re in.
Therefore, I’d like us all to have a visit back to the ideas above. How can we enhance our own personal world and our shared world view so we work together instead of at odds, trying to force our opinions on all others? Go back to the above ‘rules for my work’.
Coax, don’t force. Do you see how arguing loudly and long doesn’t usually create any change in that other, that partner, and too often that person is then seen as the opponent? If we could learn to create a safe space to talk with another, respecting their right to a different opinion, listening to that opinion, restating what we think we’ve heard with respect, chances are we’d have a better chance at helping another make changes that we feel could enhance them and us.
If a little is good, a lot may or may not be better. No one wants to be browbeaten by someone else’s opinion, particularly when they’ve not asked for that opinion in the first place! No one needs to ‘eat an elephant’ all at once to make you happy.
Engage that partner with breath and movement. This actually fits the model for talking to others about the difficult issues of the day as well as it fits in bodywork. First, one can tell when someone stops breathing because they become tighter, and more rigid. When you don’t see or feel the flow of energy in your partner, they’re defending against you instead of absorbing what you have to say.
Talking to the partner means a) you talk respectfully to them about your concerns or ideas and b) you listen, reflectively, to what they have to say. Then, with as much respect as possible, you attempt to restate what you think they are conveying to you. When you misinterpret and are corrected, can you continue to try to validate their ideas and thoughts, whether you agree or not?
Give your partner one or two ideas to ‘chew on’ when you disengage. Don’t expect them to understand and remember all your so-called ‘important talking points’. Give them just one or two things that they can take away, so they can ponder when they’re alone, or with others.
Let go. Don’t carry a grudge because someone doesn’t ‘get you’. Allow them to be who they are as you strive to be your authentic self as well.
In the ‘good old days’, which actually are only 20 or so years ago, our members of Congress might not like a colleague who sat across the aisle, but they didn’t seem to go out of their way to humiliate and destroy their ‘opponents’. We have many historical examples of how people of opposite parties or viewpoints managed to maintain healthy friendships and relationships, even when disagreement was strong. Why don’t we bring back that concept?
It seems we all have opinions as to how to work for the good of all…sadly, some seem to be more interested in fulfilling their individual needs more than the needs of all. Somewhere in the middle, there’s hopefully a place where everyone can feel heard, validated, and a person, a group, or two people, can make an informed, caring, and well-thought-out decision. Can we return to those days? Can we choose civility again?
P.N. Forni has written a small book; Choosing Civility, and it’s delightful. When I asked him for his ‘sound bite’ definition of civility, he replied: ‘Benevolent regard for others’. Wow. That’s it in a nutshell.
So you see, if you respect your partner, coax them to release their trauma, don’t get overfocused on changing them, monitor how present they are by watching breath and body tension, talk to them in a reflective style so they feel safe to express, then leave them with something to think about, and let them go about their business, I think you’re helping us all!